Dear Virginia,
I’m 39, never been married & I don’t have children. Up to this point I understand that I’ve picked men who are unsuitable & I have certainly learned what I don’t want. However, I’ve been dating a man for only a month, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt such an attraction to a man in all areas. How do I enjoy the courtship? Right now, all I’m doing is obsessing about how I get him to be exclusive with me. This is all after just one month? I just want this to work & I don’t understand why I’ve pinned all my hopes on something so new. Please help! Doris
I know exactly what Doris is talking about and I feel her pain. Hers is a common problem. It doesn’t matter your age or intelligence, we’re all susceptible to obsessing over a man and falling in love too fast.
Why do we get attached so quickly? We know we shouldn’t and it certainly doesn’t feel good. We end up feeling anxious, scared and out of control. It’s like our emotions are on a runaway train we can’t stop. Our authentic self, which is the loveable part of us, gets pushed aside and the more insecure parts of us take over.
Like Doris, we’re afraid we won’t be able to hold on to our man and he’ll leave us. Fear takes over, dominating our thoughts and wasting our time. We spend too much of our precious energy thinking about the possibilities of this new relationship. We torture ourselves with thoughts of losing someone we don’t even have.
But as I told Doris, there’s a way to stop the mental torture we put ourselves through. It’s not sexy and it’s not easy, but it works. It starts with facing the reality of how we know when it’s truly love.
We have to discipline our minds to see the truth of what is real and stay in the present.
Discipline isn’t a very appealing word; it sounds like work. Well, it is. But if we want to enjoy a new relationship without obsessing about the outcome we have to get control of our thoughts.
We have to give up the romantic notion that love just happens to us. We need to recognize we’ll never have the romantic courtship we long for if we become consumed by a man so early in the relationship.
We need the mental discipline to deny ourselves the instant gratification that falling in love too fast gives us. It takes time to find out if a man is right for us, to see if he’s appropriate for a life-long relationship. We don’t want to make that decision too fast because if we do, there’s a good chance we’re not seeing him clearly.
Let’s turn this around; could any man truly know you well in a month’s time? Here are some of the blanks he’d have to fill in: your pet peeves, your interests, your dreams, your disappointments, your history, your friends, your family, your fears, your habits (including the ones you hide), your spiritual views, views on money, your health…and so much more!
Think of all the assumptions he’d be making about you if he thought he was in love.
The only way to stop obsessing like Doris is to discipline our thoughts. In other words, stay in the present and stop worrying where things are going. To know if a man is right for us we have to learn about the man in real time.
Release what’s been standing in the way of finding your special someone.
I feel the same way and have reframing the way that I look at relationships and not trying it to self worth. I am working to stay in the flow with the moment and not get caught up in the future as there is no guarantee of anything other than right now. It is not easy but it puts me in a better place and helps me not stress so much.
Hi Virginia,
I’ve had this problem in the past, so I can relate to Doris.
Two things have helped me to discipline my thoughts. The first is that I circular date. I try to date at least 3 men at a time and don’t have sexual intercourse with any of them. Getting sexually involved too quick creates worry about where things are going and bonding too fast without a commitment. This way, when one man pulls back, and they will, lol, another man is there to fill in the gap, so I don’t obsess over the man who is missing.
Secondly, I think of myself and act as if I’m a female eagle . Female eagles continually test males in courtship before committing to them. In other words, I drop a stick (test) a man to see if he picks it up. The test is greater each time . If he doesn’t pick up the stick….then the courtship is over and he’s out the door, lol.
Also, I have solid boundaries. I ALWAYS let a man initiate and never call or text first, but simply respond. This requires patience, because it could be 2-3 weeks before he calls again. Chasing a man never works, because when you do, he may respond, but you will always be insecure about how he feels about you.
Courtship requires patience, trust, faith and most importantly, confidence in yourself. You have to know that you’re worthy of love and know that if a guy leaves, eventually the right one WILL SHOW UP.
This is what works for me, and I hope it will help someone. BTW, I’ve been seeing one particular man for 4 and 1/2 months now that I really like, and it’s been developing slowly and organically. I’ve decided I want to be exclusive, but I’m letting him take the lead on that and I’m going to continue dating other men, until it comes to pass.
Some men have been hurt in the past, so they move slow. If you let them be in control of where the relationship goes, it builds trust, and they will come around if you let them lead. Patience!!!
Blessings, and thanks Virginia! Your blogs have helped me so much!
Charisma
Hi Charisma,
You have great ideas here, thanks for sharing them. I’m glad you’ve found the confidence to set boundaries, that’s so important. I hope the man you’ve been seeing for 4 1/2 months steps up and sees what a gem he has in you!