Get Real To Get Love

If you don’t know who you are, you’re in danger of becoming what a man wants you to be. This was one of the biggest challenges I had to meet before I could find true love.

It’s really about knowing your value as a woman. It’s about being aware of what you bring to the table in a relationship and, more importantly, in a marriage. I’m not talking about material possessions; I’m referring to the personal qualities uniquely yours that you share with your partner.

This might seem obvious, but it’s something I see many women overlook in their relationships. I know I did. I spent more time analyzing the men in my life than I did looking at myself. I scrutinized their behavior so I could figure out what they wanted from me. I did it all to get love. I wanted desperately to please them and to be the kind of girlfriend they would never leave. This behavior kept me single for many years.

I changed who I was with men so many times that I no longer knew myself. Other than my physical attributes, I had no real idea why a man should be going out with me. My self-awareness was pretty non-existent. And as Dr. Phil says, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

It took me a long time before I figured out what I’d been doing. I made the men in my life more important than me. They were the center of my world, when it should have been me.

I changed my priorities and finally put myself first. It wasn’t an easy shift to make. At first it seemed like I was being selfish and self-centered. But if I was going to have the kind of  relationship I always wanted and get love, I knew I had to put the focus on me.

It was time to get on intimate terms with myself, to know myself better than anyone else ever could. To know myself so well that no man could ever define me or sway me from my truth.

So how did I change this for myself? I got curious about my feelings, my beliefs and my behaviors. I began spending time in self-reflection so I could start to see myself from the “outside.”

I imagined I was watching myself in a movie and I asked myself important questions. What do I feel about the main character (me)? What does she look like in her relationships? How does she express herself? What’s her tone of voice like? What’s her attitude towards him and towards herself? What is the energy she’s projecting? Would I like to be in a relationship with this woman?

This gave me objectivity about myself. I finally got a sense of how was being perceived by men. This was not about being concerned with what a man would think of me; it was about cultivating an awareness of how I showed up in relationships. I was learning about the impact of my actions and why finding true love had eluded me.

Once I was able to separate myself and be objective, I discovered I had many wonderful qualities, qualities I had completely taken for granted. I would no longer ignore the fact I had something valuable to offer a man. If he wasn’t paying attention or appreciating me, I no longer worried about pleasing him. I was through changing who I was to please anyone. I could hold my head high and, if necessary, walk away.

As I began to discover even more good qualities in myself and cultivate them, I was able to have more lasting relationships. And, faster than I could have imagined, I attracted the man who was exactly right for me.